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Joey Gannon Joins the Dark Side
Posted by Michael on 13 January 2004, 22:41 GMT
We are sorry to report that Joey Gannon, our hard-working file archiver, has been seen participating in the notorious RPN cult. This is the same group that is infamous for the Sliderule Massacres of '71. Oaths of secrecy prevent information from disseminating to the public, but the mystical letters RPN are rumored to stand for Really Poor Notation, though this is unconfirmed. Members have been known to do odd things in the name of Al-Gebra, their sacred way of math. No one knows why he may have done this. One psychologist we interviewed stated, "There are many reasons why an individual would suddenly dissociate from previous beliefs." He was not of much help. Our other file archiver, Morgan, experienced no signs of mental distress, commenting: "What did Joey do!? WHAT??? He always seemed like such a good kid!" ticalc.org readers in Maine have written to report seeing Joey dressed in black robes and performing a calculator sacrifice. His only comment was, "Oportet ministros manus lavare antequam latrinam relinquent. When I burn the calculator, my world becomes the calculator. I must go find a Voyage 200 now so that my long journey to enlightenment may begin."
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They are coming...
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BullFrog 
(Web Page)
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- Weapons of Math Instruction -
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
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14 January 2004, 01:46 GMT
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