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Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Posted by Michael on 8 May 2005, 07:59 GMT

[Windows 3.1 computer!]

Several days ago, members of the ticalc.org staff were perusing through the web server statistics as is frequently done. That's when we noticed the line in the Operating System Report: "Windows 3.1". At first glance, this seemed incredulous; no one uses Windows 3.1 anymore. Further research into the actual server logs revealed that indeed, in the past seven days a combination of Internet Explorer 5.0 and Windows 3.1 has requested 90 files from ticalc.org. Magnus Hagander immediately set out on the long and perilous quest to locate this machine.

Saturday morning, Magnus interviewed no less than one hundred and thirty-seven system administrators of various companies, based upon the IP address found in our logs. As of right now, eighty-five of them have been admitted to the hospital for coronary-related ailments. Through the global-spanning resources of the Swedish Mafia, the computer was traced to an "A. Nakranistik", a German hermit.

Mr. Nakranistik refused to answer any of the mafia's questions or to explain why he had visited ticalc.org. By means of a time-tested social ritual involving patellas and kinetic energy, he then changed his mind and consented to the photograph which you can find at the top of this article. From the timestamp on ticalc.org in the photo and the reddish tint of artificial lighting, it is apparent that Adolf Nakranistik is a distressed individual who checks ticalc.org at ungodly hours of the night. Also note the Paint Shop Pro icon in the corner of the screen. Mr. Nakranistik is believed to have used Paint Shop Pro to create his illicit photo collection - graphing calculators posing without wearing slide cases. He has since been taken to an undisclosed location for corrective therapy involving the forced consumption of surströmming and lutfisk.

As for the rest of the world, it can breathe easy as the Swedish Mafia has since turned the laptop over to Magnus. When asked what he planned to do with it, Magnus replied that he had already formatted the hard drive and installed the latest version of Slackware. Jonathan Katz also had comments about the situation: "Why didn't he just upgrade to Windows XP? It would have been far more sane and he would have spared all of this trouble." Joey Gannon, always the voice of diametrical viewpoints, said, "This wouldn't have happened if he was an MSDN Universal subscriber! I just bought my fifth copy of Windows Server 2003 the other day. He should have been continuously upgrading with every Microsoft release." Meanwhile, the usually effervescent Nick D merely screamed, "He should have used OS/2! OS/2 Warp I tell you!" In any case, this historic rediscovery of a 16-bit operating system is now behind us and ticalc.org looks forward to many years of 32-bit and 64-bit serving to come.

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The comments below are written by ticalc.org visitors. Their views are not necessarily those of ticalc.org, and ticalc.org takes no responsibility for their content.


Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
tdavis07  Account Info

It has been years since I have seen a Window 3.1X machine. I remember using one, but that was before I even knew what a calculator was.

All the computers at my school are runnig Windows XP with SP2, or they are a piece of junk Mac. I guess that is what I get for going to a scholl the first year it is opened.

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 15:22 GMT


Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
elfprince13 Account Info
(Web Page)

I really hope your insulting pre Os 9, pre G3 macs or else I will be seriously offended

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 17:59 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
tdavis07  Account Info

I don't mean to offend. But I don't think they fall under that criteria. I don't know exactley, haven't been forced to use one yet. Sorry, I grew up on DOS and Windows, and you can't change me!

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 19:05 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Bigfoot2  Account Info

Amen, Brother!

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 14:16 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Shawn Zhang  Account Info

>>I really hope your insulting pre Os 9, pre G3 macs or else I will be seriously offended

Um... OS 9.X sucks and G3s suck. G4s are obsolete. My Win98 computer with 64MB RAM and a 350MHz Pentium II does better than a OS 9.2 iMac G3 with 160 MB RAM.

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 20:15 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Jake Griffin  Account Info
(Web Page)

Sure, compare old OS's...but go ahead and try to compare the G5 iMac to any PC. It will blow them out of the water. By the way, you can't really use GHz ratings in the comparison, because they are measured differently. A 1 GHz mac is about 3 times as fast as a 1 GHz PC...

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 20:36 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Shawn Zhang  Account Info

Hahahahaha nutcase... The new dual-core opterons are way faster than any G5! And I agree that Windows sucks, but IF YOU HAVE A MAC, HOW ARE YOU GONNA PLAY ALL THOSE GREAT COMPUTER GAMES?????????

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 19:47 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
anykey  Account Info
(Web Page)

2 words:
DUAL BOOT.
Windows sucks.
Damn monopoly!

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 22:31 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
nickPTar  Account Info

You, um, can't run Windows and Mac OS on the same hardware.

Reply to this comment    10 May 2005, 01:16 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
anykey  Account Info
(Web Page)

Buy a $500 mac, or use linux with Gnome!
My dad has both of his computers hooked up to the same monitor.
All he has to do is tap scroll lock twice, and he changes computers!
It's even better than a dual boot.

Reply to this comment    10 May 2005, 23:19 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
W Hibdon  Account Info
(Web Page)

That is what we like to call a KVM* switch. Yes, it is easier than dual boot, but better? I would have to say that it would be damned hard to compare them as they have different benifits and drawbacks.

*I may have gotten those letters in the wrong order.

-W-

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 03:15 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
burntfuse  Account Info
(Web Page)

No, you got the order right.

Keyboard
Video
Mouse
=
KVM

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 20:55 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Steven Z Account Info
(Web Page)

Right...
Someone actually believed the apple benchmark. Go to their website, the company that did the benchmark turned of HyperThreading, SSE, and many other functions of the pentium, and at fix-point it still beat the G5.
Who said you have to use Windows? There is Linux, Unix...

Reply to this comment    10 May 2005, 02:44 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Jessi Baughman  Account Info

Then again Windows tends to be more unstable than Mac OS...

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 21:03 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Brian Gordon  Account Info

people who whine about stability in windows need to take care of it better. Yes it's unneccessarily time-consuming, but if you tune your windows configuration nicely and always kill any unnecessary processes, it's -very- stable.

Reply to this comment    10 May 2005, 20:50 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
anykey  Account Info
(Web Page)

Who paid you to say that?
It's bad ram management that always crashes windows.
Linux and Unix give a program a certain ammount of ram to run in, and kill it if it goes outside of it.
Windows, however, lets programs take up the ram assigned to other tasks, thus resulting in a crash.
Proof: I crashed a windows computer clicking a popup add until it froze.

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 22:09 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
burntfuse  Account Info
(Web Page)

I really don't understand the memory management in Windows ME...at first it had 128 MB of RAM, usually had ~10-20 MB free and a few MB in virtual memory, IIRC. After I added another 128 MB, it had ~60 MB free and still used some of the virtual memory. Everything about that is just illogical...

Reply to this comment    14 May 2005, 14:29 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
burntfuse  Account Info
(Web Page)

Sorry, what I meant is that my WinME machine started out with 128 MB of RAM, then I added another 128.

Reply to this comment    14 May 2005, 16:55 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
PGK Account Info

Yes, I have seen something very similar with my machine. I have 512M ram and I usually have about 300M free but all the "free" RAM is buffered so if I use more than about 300M of RAM, I have to write to swap and this slows the system down a bunch because my hard drive is a slow 5400 rpm ATA/100 unit.

Anybody know much about Linux memory management?

Reply to this comment    30 May 2005, 20:16 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
omegarobojordan  Account Info

MAC's suck altogether. WINDOWS RULES! (EAT IT, APPLE!!!)

Reply to this comment    8 May 2005, 23:34 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
benryves  Account Info
(Web Page)

You would be a fool to eat that apple.

You see, Sir Alan Turing, the "father of the computer" (whose work cracking the Enigma machine ended up producing the world's first real computer, "Colossus") was a homosexual. In the 1950s this was not socially acceptable, and he revealed this naively when reporting a robbery - he was arrested and agreed to be put on treatment to "cure" his homosexuality. This treatment made him depressed and obese, and he ended his life by injecting an apple with cyanide and taking a bite out of it.
His work was not credited until relatively recently, as his operations at Bletchley Park were strictly top-secret.

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 01:07 GMT


Re(6x): Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Rob van Wijk  Account Info

Strictly speaking, it was never actually confirmed Turing himself posioned the apple (a murder is theoretically still possible), as no farewell letter has ever been found. It was, however, very well known he was seriously depressed.
Then again, it's kind of understandable. While the Bletchley Park group (which was led by Turing) did not actually win the war for England, they did help tremendously. He was then rewarded for his work (which was only recently (not even ten years ago) declassified, so nobody knew about it) by having all his security clearances revoked (so he couldn't continue his work) because he happened to like men instead of women.

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 13:21 GMT


Re: Re(6x): Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Bigfoot2  Account Info

Just sad.

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 14:18 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Matt M Account Info

whatever...

I have a 12+ year old MAC with OS 8.1 and it is STILL MORE RELIABLE THAN MY NEW LAPTOP WITH WINDOWS XP!!!

Also I have a old pc with win3.1 and dos5.0 at my grandparents house. It's also more riliable. (see later post for details)

Reply to this comment    9 May 2005, 22:05 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Shawn Zhang  Account Info

Shut your mouth or else I will have to purchase an airline ticket to punch you in the face!!! Mac SUCKS (except OS X which is OK, but not great). Moreover, G1s/G2s/G3s/G4s are all obsolete and slow by todays standards.

I'm not sure that G1s/G2s ever existed but...

Reply to this comment    11 May 2005, 21:56 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
W Hibdon  Account Info
(Web Page)

What the hell is your problem? Were ou hit over the head when or were little, or are you just retarded by birth. No one here needs your idiocy and mulitple exclaimation points. Flat statements without sufficient or reliable sources are moot, as no one here cares about your opinion.

Maybe if you were not being such an ass about it, we might. The very fact that you decide to take the negative approach makes you lose credibility. You can shut your trap or yuo can leave. If you are going to make statements are are obviously going to be debated, debate them sinsibly. No one likes a flamer.

-Though I should have better things to worry about than insipid prats, I am W-

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 14:36 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
benryves  Account Info
(Web Page)

Good point. Or, at least say "I don't like Macs", rather than "MAC SUX!!!", to make it clearer that it's your own opinion.

After all, didn't Pratchett say "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind"?

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 19:30 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Shawn Zhang  Account Info

YOU shut YOUR mouth(s). Macs aren't any better than PCs and vice versa. OS X may be more stable than WinXP, but Microsoft will let computer manufacturers put their OS on their computers, which is why Macs today are like a nothingith of the market. Steve Jobs should learn a thing or two from Microsoft.

*nix is more stable than both of them.

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 21:48 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
anykey  Account Info
(Web Page)

Do you support monopolies?
HUH?!

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 22:11 GMT

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
anykey  Account Info
(Web Page)

You ignorance is funny.
MacOS runs on Unix underpinnings!
But since ignorance is bliss, I'll let you enjoy it for a little long.

Reply to this comment    12 May 2005, 22:13 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
Shawn Zhang  Account Info

IDC, Either way, linux is still more stable than Mac!

Reply to this comment    13 May 2005, 20:38 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
W Hibdon  Account Info
(Web Page)

Yeah, that point has been made, several times. The difference between you saying it and others saying it, is their goal was not to piss others off. I am sorry that you learned poor internet ediquate, but your kind is not wanted here.

This really sucks to come back and find only this. It is almost enough to make me not want to write any programs for the thought that people like you are to use them.

-W-

Reply to this comment    13 May 2005, 02:30 GMT


Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Last Windows 3.1 Computer Located
PGK Account Info

"G1" Mac chips were the 680x0 series chips, such as the 68040 LCII I used for many years at school. The "G2" chips were the first PowerPC 601/603e chips. These G1 and G2 designations never really existed, but that's what they are. All are Motorola chips, and Motorola makes the G3 and G4 chips. IBM makes G5 CPUs.

Reply to this comment    30 May 2005, 20:19 GMT

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