TI-H: Noah & the Ark (fwd)

To: ti-hardware@lists.ticalc.org
Subject: TI-H: Noah & the Ark (fwd)
From: gussie@alaska.net (Grant Stockly)
Date: Sat, 23 May 1998 14:22:19 -0700
Delivered-To: ti-hardware-outgoing@towerguard.unix.edu.sollentuna.se
Reply-To: ti-hardware@lists.ticalc.org

Noah -- Now, in the 20th Century, United States...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months, I am going
to make it rain 40 days and 40 nights so that the whole earth
is covered by water and ALL the evil people will be destroyed.

Do not worry  Noah,  as I want to save a few good people, and
two of every living thing on the planet.

Noah, I command you to build an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for the Ark.

"Alright," said Noah, fumbling with the blueprints as he
trembled with fear.

"Six months, and the rains begin," thundered the Lord.  "You
had better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very
long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and the rain began to
fall.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping.  And there was no Ark.

"Noah!", said the Lord.  "Where is the Ark?"

"Father God, please forgive me," begged Noah.  "I have done my
very best! But Lord, there have been untold problems of
tremendous magnitude."

"What problems?",  God inquired.

"First," said Noah, "I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans failed to meet code.  I
then had to hire an engineer to re-design the Ark.  Then, I
found myself in a big hassle over whether or not the Ark would
require a fire sprinkler system.

When that was straightened out, my neighbors objected, claiming
I had violated zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so
I had to apply for a variance from the planning commission.

The formalities were wrapped up, except I have had a horrible
time getting enough wood to build the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees, to save the Spotted Owl.  I tried my
hardest to convince the U.S. Fish and  Wildlife department that
I needed the wood to save the owls, but even so, they wouldn't
let me catch any owls, so, no owls.

Next, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike.  I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now, we
have sixteen union carpenters going on the boat, and still no
owls.

At this point, Lord, I began to gather all the animals, and
ended up getting sued by an animal rights group.  They objected
to me taking only two of each animal.  Just as I got the suit
dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood.  The EPA didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no  jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme
Being.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.

Right now, Father, I am still trying to resolve a complaint
from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many
Croatians I'm required to hire.  The IRS has seized all my
assets, claiming that I am trying to avoid paying taxes by
leaving the country.

To top it off, I just received notice from the state about
owing them some sort of use tax.

At this rate, I really don't think I can have the Ark finished
for at least another five years," wailed Noah.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow
arched across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked
hopefully.

"No," God said sadly, "I'm too late."